Bear with me.
Today I, like many males in their twenties (and indeed possibly some females!) decided to begin my day with that most balanced of breakfasts, that most steadfast of meals, light of my mornings, fire of my belly, the bowl of bran-based-but-not-exclusively-bran cereal. They say such an early hour feast will jumpstart a man's (or indeed possibly a woman's!) metabolism, ensuring a lean body and a healthy soul. But I digress.
The elements were in place. The milk carton was half-full, and long from its expiration date. The box of cereal was open and on the counter. The bowl I had to clean but this is but a minor obstacle to the goal of healthy eating. Spoons abounded. I was ready. I could feel it in my bones. The brand name instant breakfast was going to be inside me; I could smell it in the air.
One two, one two, I poured the cereal, I poured the milk, the cereal was done. Prepared. Ready. I dug my spoon into the mixture, and brought it to my mouth.
A lesser man than I might have closed his eyes and shoveled in the bran, but I am no lesser man. I am blessed with that cunning ability known as caution, and with two eyes in my, admittedly stunning, head. I looked down. Something was amiss.
Tiny black dots were not advertised as ingredients on the brand name box.
Looking closer, to my horror I discovered that these black dots were not simply black dots but the bloated corpses of that most vile creature, the ant! Another look at my bowl I found many more, them having floated to the top while I was not paying attention.
My vision darted around the room. The box of cereal, and indeed my entire pantry, was crawling with these hellbeasts. These awful vermin. In my groggy, unfed, post wake-up state I had neglected to notice them and nearly poisoned myself with their bloated corpses! But the story does not end there.
In that same state I dismissed this problem as one for my future self. He deals with a lot of things I don't want to. The pantry was out of order. This much was obvious, even to me. But what was still in action and raring to provide my stomach with its much needed sustenance was the freezer; the last bastion of those without time or regard for their bodies. And as luck would have it, within its frozen borders lay a box of hashed browns, with two remaining. Enough to sustain me, until the ant problem was sorted.
A few minutes later, my artery clogging mini-feast was ready. But in the transfer from sandwich press to plate, tragedy struck. A hashed brown fell off of my fork and onto the obsidian counter below, landing face down with a muffled splat. No harm, I say. There is a system in place for this. And employing the three, five, and ten second rules (perhaps simultaneously), I picked back up the greasy foodstuff, and placed it on my plate, never once looking back.
I sat down, and I began to cut off a piece for consumption. But again, this is where that old caution comes into play. I am no mook. Before placing this heart-breaking morsel into my mouth, I inspected it. And this foresight would pay off. Because on the underside of my hashed brown was the flattened corpse of a mosquito. The worst kind of flattened corpse.
The pattern was clear to me. Nothing gets past Aigis. Some would say that these insects are mindless drones, with no sapience or regard for anything other than food and other less mentionable acts. But I say nay! I know what is going on.
These insects are collaborating to stage a violent coup against humanity. First my multiple breakfasts, and then the world, I wager. Picking on the mightiest first to establish dominance. A clever ploy indeed. Their drowned and flattened corpses will pave the way to an Earth ruled by insects. We are two steps away from the events posed in speculative fiction masterpiece, Them!
So my brothers and sisters of the net, I bring you this story as a warning of what is certain to come. My breakfast may already be lost, but this is not the end. You must learn from its sacrifice. From my empty stomach. Be prepared for the revolution, for it will come swiftly, quietly, and with a buzz.
